The River is Waiting by Wally Lamb

 

Oh my Lord.  This book.

I have just this minute turned the last page and I have to get something written down about it right away.  It is the most heart-breaking novel I think I have every read, and I defy anyone to read it without having their emotions wrung out by the terrible twists that pull a family apart in ways that can never be repaired.

The hardest part to grasp is that any one of us could potentially have the course of our lives changed by circumstance, and even essentially good people can end up being responsible for something that can't be fixed.

Corby is a the father of twin toddlers, who he adores, and he has become the primary care giver for the children after being made redundant.  He and his wife Emily can no longer afford child care with only one salary coming in, but Corby is finding it hard to get another job and after a few months he is starting to lose interest in looking.  It's stressful looking after the children and he's also becoming depressed by his inability to find work and help provide for his family.  After a while he becomes more and more edgy and sleep-deprived, so Emily suggests he goes to the doctor to see if he can get something to help with his nerves.  This proves to be the start of his undoing.

The doctor gives him 'benzos' that work at first, but then he finds he needs a few extra to help him get through the day.  He is not supposed to drink with his prescribed drugs, but he finds a few swigs of rum help him get going in the morning and he prides himself on being able to hide all this from Emily.  He doesn't see the harm, it's just a swig or two, and he always feels in control doesn't he?

One normal day he is preparing to take the children to Emily's mother so that he can supposedly look for work, and tragedy strikes.  He doesn't realise he has only put Maisie into the car because he has been momentarily distracted by the neighbours, and Niko is still lying on the ground behind the car looking at ants.  He backs the car up a little until it connects with something, and it isn't until this point that he hears the neighbours screaming at him to stop and the awful truth hits him.  Niko is not in his car seat.

Events move quickly. An ambulance arrives followed by the police and he is not allowed to go to hospital with Niko.  He doesn't understand why the police are sealing off his car and taking him away for questioning, and when they take blood samples from him he assumes they need to know if he is a match for Niko.  That is not why they are taking the blood.  They are testing for drink and drugs and Corby's blood is going to come back positive for both.

Corby and Emily's lives have been pushed abruptly onto a whole new trajectory and nothing will ever be the same again.  I'm not going to say any more about the story because you have to experience it all unfolding day by day to really understand how a person can walk themselves blindly into such agony.  That is the saddest thing about the story, all of the horror was essentially self inflicted but it is very hard to take ownership in circumstances such as these.

I have known of people who have become dependent on alcohol to get them through the day, and it is very possible to maintain a low level of intoxication that goes beneath everyone else's radar.  You don't see these things unless you are looking for them, and anything you do see is quickly explained away.  Alcohol is easily obtained and socially acceptable, as are prescription drugs for depression and anxiety, so users don't consider themselves addicts.  They are not buying hard drugs on street corners or sleeping rough so they are just doing what everyone does.  People in this position just see themselves as self medicating and would always be able to stop, but sometimes fate intervenes and they have not stopped in time.

This is a very hard read, but it is written in such detail that you begin to understand the problems from everyone's perspective.  Wally Lamb is one of the most emotionally intelligent and sensitive writers I have ever come across and I doubt I will ever forget reading this book.